The Power Struggle
Unfortunately, the power struggle in marriages exists. Both people vie for control, authority, or dominance. It can lead to conflicts and dissatisfaction, and sometimes a long-term power imbalance. To resolve the control strain, couples need to be aware of how they view each other’s differences, empathize with each other and avoid blaming (that can be a tough one).
It’s not so much as one person having more of a say and authority as it is who has overall responsibility. Honestly, it comes down to how much we trust what GOD’s Word has to say about the roles for the man and woman He created -- for one another.
The roles may have been modified over the years with society’s stresses and improvements, but the responsibility for specific things, the Creator has that already specified. If you are not a believer in the Father and the Genesis account in Scripture, that portion may cause you to wriggle a bit.
However, males have the higher responsibility and more on his shoulders overall. If he takes that role to heart, he would be willing to shoulder the weight of it all, but with a lot of support. BOTH are needed to make the family machine hum and purr though.
When people go from two homes to one, there are some serious expectations in the air and minds of both; and they are often generated from the previous ways of living and households. This is the main reason for communication while dating and discussions during engagement courtship and wedding planning. All of those details need to be reviewed.
When my wife and I were dating, we underwent our own rigorous pre-marital therapy. It worked. We still function in the roles we thought (and discussed) we should, when we deliberated our expectations. After all these years, we help other couples with the same stuff we used. We walk them through the very process and materials we went through ourselves. We don’t tell them what to do, they get to see and discuss their way through it all. One on one and face to face.
In the beginning, all parties are usually bathing in a bit of disillusionment. When this takes control and communication fades, they (unmet expectations) become harder and harder to deal with. One or both of you will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage.
Conflict is inevitable and needed.
The problem at this point is, you both still believe that dispute is a “bad” thing, but the differences that are now visible are making it really tough to move past this speed bump. You certainly are aware of your many differences, and you fight to draw boundaries in the relationship. As a result, even small annoyances become big issues.
Honesty that is without criticism is needed.
You want to “define” unacceptable behavior, and many couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more, you start to feel like your spouse is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can’t be trusted.
Deep resentments begin to build if you’re unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way.
In some sense, every relationship involves a power dynamic, but not necessarily a struggle.
It’s natural to disagree with your mate on some topics and want them to see things your way. However, being in a committed relationship may imply negotiating how everyone’s needs are met, which in turn involves compromise from both of you.
Power struggles typically don’t become a challenge if both partners understand the need for cooperation with understanding your mate.
If you have not already noticed this, or, maybe you ignored it, power struggles often manifest as a push to get your way on important topics where opinions or dreams may differ. This may involve ignoring the other person’s perspective or needs. You may even try crossing boundaries they have set. That alone is a tough outing, if you resort to that type of behavior.
Fighting for influence and control may become evident early in the relationship, but in some cases, it only turns into a roadblock when important topics are discussed and not resolved. These topics, I believe, need to be discussed on more than one occasion PRIOR to marriage. As I mentioned above, “this is the main reason for communication while dating and discussions during engagement courtship and wedding planning.” Some of those very important topics may include:
whether or not to have children
parenting styles
how to spend and make money
religious beliefs or practices
moral, political, or ethical matters
lifestyle choices
Besides differences in opinion and perspectives, power struggles may also result from one or both partners’ emotional challenges. To put it mildly, one of you may have mommy or daddy issues. One of you will certainly be a bit more grounded, mature or centered than the other.
“This again, is the main reason for communication while dating and discussions during engagement courtship and wedding planning.“
If you could sum up the secret to happier relationships, it possibly will come down to one word: “We.” Saying we vs me in relationships may make all the difference between couples that break up and those that build each other up.
Take the time to think about this next sentence. When partners sense their dependence on each other, they say “we” instead of “I.” What do you think about that statement? It will be those couples who tend to enjoy better mental and physical health, behaviors and wellbeing.
I will end with this: A sense of “us first” provides strength to deal with life’s demands. Putting your relationship first is key to helping each other manage emotions and solve problems together. Employing “we” and not “me” will reduce the power struggle and allow both of you to be strong in the areas you are naturally gifted. You will both learn more freely and intentionally, as you grow and mature.
Marriage is a process. Working together while “in it”, you become a two-person system to help each other find the best way to get through – even thrive – more frequently than crashing or blowing up.