Marriage is Not About Convenience
Without a doubt, these GOD ordained and sanctioned unions have been ventured into because of “pressure” or even “duty.” Some are even “set-up” if we are discussing cultures. In the big picture (…ability to see the details), marriage is a union of constant adjustments and an untold amount of learning. There are many ways to express and experience the love and acceptance a person desires and needs. Each member (one of two) has many layers of his/her life that can be invested into for the other person to garner the most benefit and offer growth and maturation opportunities for the other.
Let say that our “words” matter. …and without a doubt, they DO. Words will always be conduits to what can be perceived as love and dislike. We must choose which one we want to use to grow inside the other and subsequently, our marriage.
Love makes requests, not demands. I believe that we can agree on that.
When I demand things for my wife, I become a parent and she the child. It is the parent who tells the child what he ought to do and, in fact, what he must do. That is necessary because the child does not know how to navigate in the swirling waters of life.
In marriage, however, we are equal as adult partners. We're not without fault, but we are adults and we are working to be “knit together” to make one fabric. If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other's desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants and needs. working to help fill those two vessels, we get a person who feels loved and not used.
When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that she has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you. When, however, you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant. Your spouse will feel not affirmed but belittled.
Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic listening but also self- revelation. This does not come easy for some of us. Many adults grow up in homes where the expression of thoughts and feelings were not encouraged but condemned.
Quality actions and choices requires not only focused listening, but some really intentional choices as well. We have all heard the phrase, “actions speak louder than words.” You know they do! Lets use the context of a disagreement. If one is not being heard or understood, it is likely that he or she will clam up (be silent) and eventually shut down. Those pieces of feedback may be followed up by a slamming door.
The longer a couple is married, the more the years zoom by. As the life, called “your world” rotates on the axis, many “seasons” will be experienced. Oh boy! There is nothing like NOT being prepared for the changing of the seasons. That unpreparedness comes with a cost. Sometimes, the aftermath of the not making the necessary changes and adjustments will sting for time to come.
Over the next several offerings, I too will share to experiences and notes from same discussions that our marriage group discussed and offered up in a rather candid marital conversational expose.
Stay tuned in…